Howdy.
Tomorrow is the first day of May. How did that happen??! Granted, this is the busiest time of year for my job (and it's not even peaked yet, that happens in another month at the end of May.....) and we have just got back from a holiday (more about that later) and hubby has had all sorts of things going on but still - how the feckitty feck is it May tomorrow?
That makes it exactly three years since we started trying. Three years. I'd also like to know where that time's gone. It's funny how our attitude to it has changed. There was a time when, every month, we'd go at it enthusiastically. Then you'd get the crushing disappointment before you picked yourself up for the next month. And then, every month, we'd have the dullest and most pressurised regimented sex you can imagine. Joys of hindsight that I now have, I wish we'd taken the odd month off back then. I think those months ruined sex for us. It is now tainted. Irreversibly associated with disappointment. How do we get ourselves back from this? There is still plenty of affection, tons of love. There are always hugs and kisses every day, but that's it. Neither of us attempts to seduce the other.
We've just got back from the most glorious ten days in the sun. I've changed jobs (I've now been here a year; again - how did that happen?!), we've moved house. When we got back from our holiday hubby handed in his notice as he finally has the job of his dreams and he'll start that at the end of May. We've done all we can to reduce stress, the only thing the consultant said we had to do. And yet neither of us can actually bring ourselves to get back on the horse. As it were.....
Infertility is a bitch. Three years ago we were so full of hope, sure it would happen in a few months and we'd have our own little bundle of joy to welcome to the world. Yet here we are, three years later and still barren. There are things to be thankful for, for a start I would not be in this job had the past three years not panned out the way they did. Chances are hubby wouldn't be about to start his new job either. Friends and family have had babies and still the vast majority of people don't know what these past three years have held for us. Am I ashamed? Hell no. The strength I have found and the relationship hubby and I continue to share has been a revelation. But it is a very private thing. Do I want to shout it from the rooftops? Occasionally. Usually when something has been shared on social media that just makes me want to yell at the person that posted it. But generally this is not something I want to share. I'm quite a private person, there is an awful lot about me that even my closest friends wouldn't necessarily know. There are only two people on this planet that fully 'get' me, and they know what's going on, so I don't feel the need to spread that net wider.
Having said all that, in January I 'came out' to my oldest friends. A group of 9 other girls with whom I attended secondary school and I have therefore known since I was about 11. I agonised over what to write in that email, went over and over and over it but nevertheless felt it was time to let them know. Some had known everything for a while, some knew nothing. Most had probably guessed to be fair. But I was finding it increasingly difficult to meet up with them all at once. Only one other girl doesn't have children and so our big group meet ups inevitably revolved around talking about the kids. This isn't helped by the fact the two largest characters in the group don't work and so are at home 24/7 with their little darlings.
Don't get me wrong, their children are great and I love finding out how they're getting on. Really I do. But when that many women get together and the only thing, the only thing, that is spoken about for 3 hours is children I find it very hard to be a part of that group. So I decided to stop making excuses about meeting up en masse and send that email. The responses I got were varied. Only one didn't reply at all, and we still haven't spoken about it. Most replies were incredibly lovely, I even got an absolute essay from the one that now lives on the other side of the world! There was just the one that bugged me - "obviously this isn't news to me honey" and then she changed the subject. I ignored her for a couple of months, petty I know but there you go. All is fine now but I needed some space from her after that response.
The sweetest response was from my dear friend who writes this blog. A friend who has enough on her plate with her own gorgeous children and yet nevertheless truly felt for me, even apologising for 'foisting' her children on us - could I forgive her cruelty? I texted her immediately to let her know how much I loved her and how daft she was being. She has always been so incredibly selfless and worried more for other people than herself. I was truly touched by her response.
I'm not sure whether my openness will bring us closer as a group, we've drifted over the years as we've spread out across the country. But I do know I feel an awful lot better now it's out in the open and they know what the past three years have held for us. It was a big step for me to take and the response (in the main) was genuinely lovely. Could I tell more people? Possibly. We decided a while ago that we would stop lying if people asked us directly. We had an incident at a wedding last week when another couple, after finding out that we'd been married for four years, just asked straight out 'well where are the children then??!?'. Needless to say I just walked away from that conversation and let hubby deal with them. They were not getting my tears or the honestly of our situation. Not from me anyway.
So for now at least all of our issues stay behind our own front door. More people knowing helps. Time passing so quickly does not. Still, one step in front of the other.....
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