On Wednesday evening we discussed separating. There were tears but it was a productive conversation. Neither of us is sure we still have a marriage. We feel like flat mates. It's something that has often been discussed in infertility blogs (I made my own mention of it here) and is the absolute downside of the entire process - the affect it has on your sex life. We have lost that intimacy, that connection. We still love each other, but things have most definitely changed. We're both convinced we've caught it early (if that's the right phrase?!) and we both want to fix it. We just have no idea how. We're going to give it until Christmas and see where we are.
It's a very strange place to be. It's a very unpleasant place to be and I very much don't like being here. Apart from anything else I'll be damned if I'm going to let the absolute disease ridden plague that is infertility beat us. I gave us odds of 70/30 of sorting everything out and being fine again, hubby reckons it's 60/40.
Having said all that I do have a train of thought that makes me wonder who makes the rules up anyway. Who says what a marriage should look like and how a relationship evolves? Is this just what happens after eight years together and five years of marriage? Don't get me wrong I fully expected the lust to fade, I mean we're not as young as we used to be and I know relationships change and they don't stay the same but you absolutely make the best of what is left.
I believe that there are two reasons for this change and infertility is most definitely one of them. I genuinely believe if we'd had kids within a year or so of us trying we wouldn't be where we are now. At the same time though there is every likelihood that we'd both still be in jobs we hate but there you go! Which is worse - a happy home life but hating work, or loving your job but struggling at home? Rock, hard place, hello.
The second reason is more poignant and difficult to explain without apportioning blame. There is absolutely no doubt whatsoever that things have changed now hubby works shifts. He is typically around one weekend a month and we can go days without seeing each other. It's a ten day pattern and so he works either six or seven days (of three different shift types) and then has either three or four off. Before this summer it didn't seem to be an issue and I'd miss him when he wasn't there and rush home from work to see him in the hour or two that he would be there before he left. Recently, not so much. I find myself not fussed whether I see him or not. And the feeling is mutual. He doesn't mind if I don't rush home from work to see him. I absolutely do not blame him for this. Yes, it is his work pattern which has changed but he's so happy! And he's worked so incredibly hard to get where he is now, I'm very very proud of him. He suggested looking for other jobs when we were having this conversation and I ruled it out completely. I do not want him to give this up when he's only eighteen months in and the change in him is noticeable because of it.
So. Where does it leave us? I'm not entirely sure. We have both said that there is so much we want to do in our lives and there is no one else that we want to do it with. So that's got to be a good thing, right? One of my previous posts I linked to above made mention of the fact you just keep going, it doesn't get easier and it doesn't return to how it was but you end up in a 'new' normal. Maybe this is ours. We were working so hard on things earlier this year (when I wrote said blogpost) but recently things have definitely shifted. I don't know why and I can't pinpoint exactly when it started to happen but there is most certainly a different feel about our relationship now.
We want it to work. The thought of separating leaves me with the biggest, most unpleasant knot in my stomach and I don't like it. But things aren't right. And we both know that. We also both want to fix things. I hate that we have ended up here. Our relationship has always been so strong and in some ways it really still is, the fact we could have this conversation proves that. Neither of us were prepared to just carry on and wait until we fell out of love with each other. We want to do something about it and do something now. I just have no idea what.
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